you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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