u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
