You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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