Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
