meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
