Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
