What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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