one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
