I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I would ride that face into the sunset
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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