Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
