is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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