I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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