All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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