oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
