WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
