ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
