3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
