I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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