dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
