I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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