She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm at about main and main street
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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