Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
