I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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