when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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