She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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