I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
