I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This is classic penis vs brain.
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Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
FUCK WHALES
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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