I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
