my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
