you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
