I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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