I wish they made helmets for livers.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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