Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
