i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
