I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
