Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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