You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
