I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
