Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
