They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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