Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
