Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
