he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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