Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
