I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
