Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think I won the penis lottery.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
