I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it