2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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