you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.