I cannot find my penis.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I want her autograph on my taint
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.