____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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