Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
