Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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