Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
