he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
