Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
