you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
