I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
