my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
