I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize