Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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