the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
