god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
